


Christmas Crack

by giventothewhite (FYWC), littlewhitelies (FYWC), sowrongitswhite (FYWC), whiteherewhitenow (FYWC)



Category: The Maccabees
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-24
Updated: 2012-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-06 03:49:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1102056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FYWC/pseuds/giventothewhite, https://archiveofourown.org/users/FYWC/pseuds/littlewhitelies, https://archiveofourown.org/users/FYWC/pseuds/sowrongitswhite, https://archiveofourown.org/users/FYWC/pseuds/whiteherewhitenow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s a crack fic about The Maccabees celebrating Christmas together, written by all of us as a team.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Christmas Crack

**Author's Note:**

> We tried to make it non-slashy, but failed grandiosely. So it’s basically a big bag of silly puns and sexual innuendos now … but don’t worry, everything is totally family friendly … haha!
> 
> So enjoy, and have yourselves a merry little Christmas!

 

 

Everything is White in London. It has been snowing for Weeks.  
The jolly sound of a radio playing "Gay Pirates" by Cosmo Jarvis, followed by a special on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is floating through the air. It leads us directly to a small cabin in the suburbs of London, that is the White House actually.  
Here Felix, Hugo and Will invited their bandmates for their annual christmas party. And over the sound of the lovely Christmas Carols you can hear hushed conversations and smell the scent of a lovely christmas.

 

"Hugo, can you pass me the socks please!"  
"Sure thing bro!," Hugo answers and chucks over a box of condoms.  
"Not this kind of socks! The ones for the presents!," Felix blames his younger brother and gets up to search for the stockings.

"No Hugo! That's too much lametta and glitter! Leave it to me, I studied art!," Orlando whines while watching Hugo decorating the tree.  
"So what! I studied product design!," Hugo replies.  
"Shhh, kids, don't argue!," Felix interrupts their little argument. "Christmas is aaaaaaall about love! You want a drag of my spliff? Will has it. Will come over here, stop hogging the spliffs!"  
Will glares at them from his place on the sofa where he's been sitting and rolling special holiday spliffs. "I will hug my spliff as long as i want! You just don't understand this special kind of love! You always say that any kind of love is worth the same, so leave me and Spliff alone!"  
"Spliffiam! We need your powers to set up the tree!," Felix calls for his little brother.  
"Only if I can put the star on top!"  
"Of course you can Will, because you're a special and unique snowflake!"  
"…"  
"More glitter!!!"  
"Shh Hugo..."

Turns out Fe, Hugo, Will and especially Orlando are way too tiny to put the star on the tree. So someone else needs to be recruited.  
"Ruuuuuuuu! We need your help!"  
"Shut up you munchkins, the boiled goose needs me!"  
"Sam can take care of your goose for a second, you need to lend us a hand!"  
"Ugh, no thanks."  
Felix sighs. "Not that kind of lending a hand, you muppet."  
"We should smoke more weed. Maybe then we'll be high enough to put the star on the top..."  
"Good idea Will," Hugo grins.  
Will lets out a small laugh. "I know white!"  
"Ugh, you can't make fun out of your own name, Spliffiam!," Felix shakes his head at his little brother.  
"No, I can't make Fun out of my own name indeed... It doesn't have an F, or U, or N …"  
"Shut up, it's not pun day", Felix interrupts him and calls: "Rupert! The staaar!"  
"Yeah Willy, remember we decided that you're not the funny one in this band?," Hugo teases and blows some glitter over Will's head.  
Will swallows heavily and tries to hold back his tears. He runs away and squats in the corner.  
"Oh no, not the pouting corner again!," Felix exclaims.  
"Yeah Willy, you did that when you were 4 years old and didn't get the purple Power Ranger costume for Christmas! ... And when you were 14 and still didn't get it," Hugo continues. The mean bitch. Will smiles to himself. Hugo doesn't know that he bought the purple Power Ranger costume with his first self earned money. He still wears it when no one's home.  
Orlando follows the conversation between the brothers with big innocent eyes. He had always thought he was the only one who pouts in the corner on Christmas!  
So he joins the unhappy lil one and promises to lend him his frog costume.  
This cheers Will up and they continue to decorate the Christmas tree, while Felix and Hugo go to the kitchen to see how the goose is doing. When they enter the room they are shocked to see Sam and Rupert juggling various bottles of rum of various levels of emptiness.  
 "What the fuck are you doing!?," Felix exclaims. "Why, we always cook with Rum!", replies Rupert. "Sometimes we even add it to the food," adds Sam with a smirk. "And sometimes we even add food to the Rum!," beams Rupert. "After all Rum is short for Rupert and Sam." When they see the brothers' shocked faces they laugh and explain: "Just kidding, the rum is for the rum truffles of course! Because what's christmas without some baking?"  
"I want to decorate the cookies!," Hugo beams. "I can use my super big collection of decoration stuff. Gold pearls, silver pearls, pink hearts, purple hearts, sugar glitter, coloured sprinkles, chocolate sprinkles …" He runs over to the cupboard and gets out his box of deco stuff, which is almost too large for him to carry. "But nobody tell Orlando or he's going to be like 'I can do it better because I studied aaaaarrtttt'!"  
"I can do it be'a, I can do it be'a, I can do it be'a, I can do it be'aaaa..:", Felix starts to sing.  
"You only got be'aaa with every kiss!", Hugo chimed in with his favourite La Shark tune 'Sum it up'.  
"I've heard someone sing!," a voice sounds from the doorframe and there's Orlando. "Hey, are you decorating cookies? Have you started baking without me?"  
And there come the puppy eyes, slowly filling with tears. How could his friends ever start with the Christmas baking without him? HOW?  
"Aww baby no!," Felix coos and embraces his little one tightly. "We haven't done anything yet, all is well."  
"Really?," Orlando asks, looking up expectantly.  
"Yes, really," Felix promises and gives Orlando a peck on the forehead. "Let's start ruining the kitchen, shall we?"

Of course nobody needs to be told twice and they start mixing all the ingredients for the cookies together, but most of the dough ends up somewhere else, like the table, floor, or people's faces because Hugo insists on throwing it at everyone, almost making Will cry because it gets in his perfect hair.  
"Boo, you whore! My hair got all dirty. Now I need to wash it again! And my conditioner is almost empty so I will steal yours! That's what you get for being such an annoying shit!"  
"Not my conditioner!," Hugo starts pulling at Will's hair and Will starts scratching and biting him in return until Felix has to part them. Will starts pouting again and smears some of the dough in Felix's face.  
"Wilhelm no!," Felix tells him off sternly.  
"Lick it off, bitch!," Hugo cackles from where his older brother holds him away from Will.  
"No one will lick Felix but me, okay?," Orlando threatens and gives the brothers a death glare. And when Orlando uses death glare, it's super effective, so they all reconcile quickly and continue their happy baking session.

When they finally take the cookies out of the oven, they all can't wait to finally try their perfect creations. But then …  
"Fe, you left them in there for too long," Hugo whines. "Now they're all hard!"  
"I thought you liked it hard," Orlando mumbles and Hugo tries to drown the singer's face in the bowl of icing, some of it ending up on Orlando's nose.  
"You're like the white-nosed reindeer," Hugo says and tries to lick the icing from Orlando's nose but the shorter one quickly escapes into Felix's arms.

In his big box of tricks Hugo also finds some colourful letters to decorate the cookies with so he starts writing dirty words on all of Orlando's cookies while Will tries to write stupid puns on his.  
"I think it's almost time to get the wine, don't you think?," Hugo suggests. He's always the first to get drunk, on whatever beverage.  
"But we've got Rum here!," Rupert says, shaking one of the empty bottles.  
"Stop with your stupid Rum, nobody likes Rum!," Will snaps.  
"But who wants Rum if you can have White wine?," Hugo asks with a wink. "It tastes like you, only sweeter..."  
"That's not true, it tastes like you! So white," Sam says, raising his eyebrows at whatever 'nice' words Hugo has written on Orlando's cookies.  
"Why do you know what Hugo tastes like," Rupert mumbles and for a moment, it's really silent in the kitchen.  
"Because I drink it all the time! Hugo is my second favourite drink ... right after Rum," Sam tries to distract, but at the same time Orlando bursts out: "C'mon, everybody knows it!" Will and Felix nod in union.  
Sam looks at Rupert questioningly. "Everybody? Really?"  
Rupert hesitates. "I…yes, okay. Hugo, you need to stop being such a slut."  
"Meeee? Slut?" Hugo's eyes go big. "Noooo way. I am the prince of innocence!"  
"And I'm the fresh prince of South London weeeeheeee, anyone want some spliff?," Will asks. "And Lando, you're totes a slut, too!"  
"No, actually, I'm a beast when you turn me on!"  
"True," Felix nods.  
To kill the awkwardness Orlando sings: "Will-i-aaaaam, drop the beat now!" Immediately everyone starts using all kinds of kitchen interior and other stuff as instruments to jam a little song. Suddenly Will accidentally knocks over the flour from drumming on the dough bowl with his spoons so wildly and it spills all over Hugo's black trousers.  
Hugo pouts and stares at the white powder on his crotch.  
"Payback time!," Will laughs.  
"Shame that we didn't invite Rob over. He always liked doing white powder off, erm, other people," Ru says and suddenly everyone looks at Orlando. "What?!," Orlando says and starts busily tidying up the table.  
"Good thing that Orlando likes doing other White things, too," Felix says with a wink and takes the spliff from his little brother.  
"Stop boys, if fans were to hear the crazy smutty things you're saying... it would make them throw up a little in their mouths! We're too precious for this! It's like we're sick in the head."  
"Oh Orlando, don't act all innocent on us, lil one. We all know you're not!," Hugo smirks, while decorating a penis-shaped cookie. "I'm gonna get this one."  
"Not only that one…," Will mumbles.  
"It needs more of that sticky white liquid..." Orlando says and takes the bowl of icing.  
"I could help you with that...," Hugo winks. "Speaking of white things, who is up for a round of snowballing?"  
"Ugh do we have to? I hate it when I get a hard snowball in the face," Orlando nags.  
"We promise to be extra gentle with you! And afterwards we can make a snow angel!", Hugo promises and makes a wide gesture with his arms like a ballerina.  
"OK, everyone put on your shoes and jackets … and don't forget, only until Lando cries!," Felix says.  
"I never cry. Or well only when... nevermind. Let's go! I want to be on a team with Felix and Will!"  
"Uhm, could someone please tie my shoelaces? I already put on my gloves..."  
"Of course, Hu," Felix smiles and bends down to help his little brother out. "I like your shoelaces, by the way."  
"Thanks," Hugo replies. "I stole them from the president."  
Of course Orlando gets jealous immediately.  
"Feeeee? Which bobble hat should I wear? The red one? Or the blue one with the red bobble? Or maybe a different one? It has to fit to my outfit!"  
"That doesn't matter Land, because when we're done with you you will be all in white …"  
Orlando has to admit he's got a point there, so he picks the red one and while putting it on sings: "I was all white-washed and woven and there by your side..."  
The song has actually been inspired by an especially epic snowballing session with the White brothers, who take a lot of pleasure in covering Land in snow until he looks like a little snowman.  
"Girls, can we please go outside now?", Rupert asks. He grabs Orlando and flicks him over his shoulder to go outside. The other boys follow Rupert like sheep since he has stolen their most precious possession.  
Orlando thanks Rupert by throwing the first snowball in his face. It feels good. Almost as good as slapping someone.  
It feels so good that he has to do it again. The lil one keeps throwing snowballs at Rupert, the gentle giant, until Will shoves a handful of snow in his neck.  
"Hey! I thought you were on my team!", Orlando complains and jumps on Will's back so that the taller boy loses his balance and they both fall into the snow.  
"Oh no, my team is down!," exclaims Felix. "Now I have to fight them all on my own!"  
"I'll help you!," offers Hugo, who isn't used to not being on one team with Felix. "We'll play two against two, as Will and Orlando are useless!" Everyone looks at the mess of limbs that they are down there on the floor.  
"Ugh Orlando, I'm all wet now! Because of you!"  
"Just ignore them!," Felix says and throws a snowball in Rupert's face. Damn, it does feel good.  
"Why does everyone keep attacking ME? Sam, do something!!"  
Sam doesn't need to be told twice and crashes a big load of snow over Felix's head.  
"Whoohoo!," Rupert cheers. "Give it to the White!"  
"Brother! Help!"  
Felix uses his brother. It's super effective, since Hugo is good at handling balls. It seems like Team White are on the winning side. But nobody has counted with White + Weeks Team coming back from the dead and burying Felix and Hugo under a mass of snow. Finally everyone gives in and they all lie exhausted in the snow.  
"Now we make a snow angel contest!," Orlando announces.  
"But mine will be bigger than yours!" Hugo sticks out his tongue at Orlando.  
"It's not about the size! Mine will be prettier!," says Orlando and spreads out his arms to make a shape in the snow. When he's done he draws a halo and a trumpet into the snow because he learned to play the trumpet at school.  
Hugo decides that his angel should get a harp because Hugo is better with his hands while Orlando is good with his mouth. That's also why everybody wants to be under the mistletoe with him on Christmas. Luckily Orlando isn't stingy and he always likes kissing all his bandmates before going on stage (and not only then). But on Christmas it can get a little exhausting so he prefers receiving ...  
Speaking of receiving, Will gets the idea that it is time to exchange the presents.

They gather around the decorated Christmas tree and smile at each other like the little children they still are.  
"Who's first?," Orlando asks. His eyes lock at the huge pink present lying under the tree.  
"Sam always comes first!," Rupert smirks.  
Sam rolls his eyes and takes the poorly wrapped present which has his name written all over. He rips it open and finds a packet of hair gel.  
"Thank you!," Sam says. "This is erm... really useful."  
"I wanna be next!," Will exclaims and searches for his own present. It appears to be the smallest. With a disapproving noise he opens his present. "What is that?"  
"Egg cosies!," Orlando squeals and takes them from Will. "They're so cute! Look, these little bunnies will keep your eggs warm!"  
"Which is useful when all your other bunnies have other 'things' to do," Rupert winks. Will still doesn't seem too convinced, but he has no time to sulk because it's finally Orlando's turn to open his big pink present and everybody is almost as excited as him to see what's inside. He opens it slowly and very carefully because he doesn't want to destroy the beautiful wrapping paper. Inside he finds a set of bunny ears, a bow tie and a bunny tail. He instantly knows who it's from because he and Felix were joking about it just the other night … He gives Fe a thankyou hug and Felix whispers in his ear, so only Orlando can hear: "I'll make sure you're a happy bunny tonight ..."  
Then he quickly starts unwrapping his own present to keep himself from unwrapping something (someone) else. The present is a record titled "O Lucky Man!" by Alan Price and he thinks it's really fitting 'cause he is feeling lucky indeed to be with all his loved ones on Christmas.  
Hugo is already really impatient to open his present and he squeals with excitement when he finds a brand new pair of thermal leggings in it, because his old ones ripped from too much stretching and ballet poses.  
Now only Rupert is left. His present is the most beautifully wrapped and decorated. This could only come from Orlando. He carefully opens it because he knows if he destroys the pretty wrapping it will make Orlando cry. Inside is a paperback, "Hamlet's BlackBerry" by William Powers. He smirks at the reference and turns it over only to find a price tag stuck to the back that says "2 for £5". "Ah, someone was in a generous mood, I see!," he says sarcastically and looks at Orlando, who blushes instantly. "You know there will be more presents later on …," he mutters.

To ease the mood, they move on to their traditional little Christmas song session, with all their favourite hits like "Have yourself a merry little Christmas" starring Hugo White, "Walking in the Air", and of course, "White Christmas". Then they all get drunk on White Wine.  
"I'm hungryyy," Orlando whines as they're all tipsy enough to just sit around the dinner table in a minute of silence.  
"You can nibble on my cookie," Hugo grins and gets a slap on the back of his head from Will.  
"I'm hungry too," the youngest says. "Wasn't there boiled goose?"  
Everyone looks at Rupert, who only shrugs. "You were busy making cookies so I kinda… forgot about it?"  
Orlando lets out a sigh and his lower lip starts shaking. "But…but…food!," he says, looking so utterly sad that Felix jumps up and gives him a tight hug.  
"We can eat it cold?," he suggests. "Or just…forget about it and order something. You can choose from where, okay?"  
Orlando sniffles and then shrugs. "Food," he whispers.  
"God, Lando, stop being such a hungry hippo," Hugo says. "I think there will be enough things to put in your mouth as this evening continues, don't you think?"  
Orlando shoots him a death glare. "Not now. Why don't you go out and get us some food, since you distracted us all with your stupid cookies?!"  
Hugo gasps. "MY cookies? Well, excuse me, Mr Weeks, they were only my decorations, okay? I'm not gonna get the food."  
"Stop arguing, ladies," Sam interferes. "We can still eat the goose. Cold. Let's just make a big salad or something and put the pieces in?"

Suddenly there is a loud bang on the door and everyone looks up in surprise. They are not expecting anyone else! Unable to control their curiosity, they all run to the door and Will presses down the handle.  
"SURPRISE!" Five guys in Santa costumes are standing in front of the door. It's their beloved friends from La Shark. "We didn't have time to buy presents, so we thought we would entice you with our cooking skills! Who's hungry?"  
"MEMEMEMEMEMEME!!," Orlando screams and jumps into Lewis's arms. "I'm so glad you're here, I'm starving!"  
"Okay, get out of the way, the kitchen's closed for the next half hour," Ben says, digging through the pile of excited Maccabees in the doorframe and disappears in the kitchen, his bandmates following closely behind.

And 30 minutes later, as the whole house is filled with a wonderful scent of pigs in blankets, potatoes and brussel sprouts, the kitchen door opens and the five Santas collectively carry their dinner to the table in the living-room.  
"And guess what," Samuel says. "We even brought plum pudding. Love us."  
"Oh god, I love you," Orlando screams and jumps his friend. "You all are my heroes, the others wanted me to starve I think!"  
"What a bunch of idiots," Samuel says. "No one should ever let you starve, princess. Let's have dinner!"  
There are a lot on insults and rude jokes thrown at each other over the dinner table, but no one really cares because everyone knows that they actually all love each other. And it's Christmas!  
Orlando decides that he needs to show his friends how much he actually loves them, so he sneaks up to the doorframe on which Felix has hung a mistletoe, and waits for everyone to collect the dishes to bring them back into the kitchen.  
Sami is first, then Bux, Sam and Rupert, then Lewis and Ben and Will. They all get big wet smooches on whatever part of their face is closest to Orlando. As Samuel follows the crew with only the leftover trivets in his hands, he quickly leans in to little Lando and kisses him right on the lips. "Merry Christmas, honeypie!," he grins and continues his way into the kitchen. Orlando has no time to recover as Felix and Hugo sneak up to him and each press a kiss to one side of his face.  
"Soooo, Lando now it's time for your special presents ...," Hugo smirks and suggestively tugs at the hem of his new thermal leggings.  
"Fine ...," Orlando mumbles, "but you all know that I prefer giving birthday presents and taking my precious time for every one ... It's too much pressure!"  
And it just continues from there…


End file.
